Bad Girl...?

I find myself craving over and over again for some excitement and most of the time I catch myself wanting to do "bad" things. Not understanding why I ask myself, what attracts me to: kissing a guy with a girlfriend, getting a tattoo, piercing my eyebrow, just plainly being apathetic, etc.? When I search deep down I understand that I don't want to wake up in ten, fifteen, or twenty years and think, "Wow. That was eventful wasn't it Jasmine?" I dont want to think that I held myself back from things I wanted to do because of fear. Although, this just leads me to another dilemma, do I really want to do these "bad" things, or am I just getting sucked up by the crowd? Losing who I am to try something new. I blame wanting to be like every other kid, for once, often. Does that even make sense though? The first time I blazed I was like this isn't so bad. Never had I done anything against the grain and I admit it felt good. Then I did it again, and again, and again. I repeat to myself it isn't that bad, but I also remember saying that I was like just doing it too try. Should I have done it at all? I never was that girl before, maybe it's me now? Or am I just trying to fight off that straightedge label. I don't want it and I never had it. I mean I do look like one of "those girls" that get a fix here and there from whoever and whatever. But I'm not. I hated that image. I worked so hard to be smart because I never wanted to be misread as a floosie. So why am I trying to change that name, pretend like I don't care, when I definitely do. I don't want to disappoint people I love and care for but I'm torn. I feel like I don't know what I want. Be wild and crazy or be same old Jasmine. She was never that bad. People either hate or love me, but I'm fun and I never needed anything before to make things fun. Still, there is so much I've never done, whether it's worthwhile is still up in the air. [Stop and think for a moment] Thinking about it most of them aren't. Should I really do them? After all this...I still don't know. Not an inkling of insight. Maybe I will maybe I won't. I'll come back to this in due time I guess.