Deja Vu

I really can say relationships are hard. Especially when you're with someone to smart for their own good. She is meticulous and paradoxically she is so easy yet so hard to please. It's amazing how one day we can have awesome conversations, for hours on end, then others we can't talk for more than five, ten minutes. We irritate the shit of each other, but I really love her. I know I can tell her anything (well basically everything) and we can talk about it. She always keeps her word and she is willing to do so much for me. Which leads to me feeling like an incompetent and foolish girl. I feel like I let her and myself down way too often. I can never seem to say the right things or just let something go, she has let go of so much more. I manage to make it about me, all the time. It's like deja vu. I am never the good spouse. I always am the selfish one. People are always asking the other one, "why the fuck are you with her?" It's just slightly embarrassing. I want to be better but I'm so good at being in it for myself. It's hard to change. I love her, like real love. I just wish I was better at showing it. At least she knows it.

Probably the one thing I love most about her is that she doesn't want to make me feel bad. She just wants to me to get better. She never tried to make me feel bad about stuff. I love her for it.

I'm Good

3 college apps left.
I thought I should say that.
They are stressing me.
But I'm good.
:]
Hell yea,
I'm good

Bad Girl...?

I find myself craving over and over again for some excitement and most of the time I catch myself wanting to do "bad" things. Not understanding why I ask myself, what attracts me to: kissing a guy with a girlfriend, getting a tattoo, piercing my eyebrow, just plainly being apathetic, etc.? When I search deep down I understand that I don't want to wake up in ten, fifteen, or twenty years and think, "Wow. That was eventful wasn't it Jasmine?" I dont want to think that I held myself back from things I wanted to do because of fear. Although, this just leads me to another dilemma, do I really want to do these "bad" things, or am I just getting sucked up by the crowd? Losing who I am to try something new. I blame wanting to be like every other kid, for once, often. Does that even make sense though? The first time I blazed I was like this isn't so bad. Never had I done anything against the grain and I admit it felt good. Then I did it again, and again, and again. I repeat to myself it isn't that bad, but I also remember saying that I was like just doing it too try. Should I have done it at all? I never was that girl before, maybe it's me now? Or am I just trying to fight off that straightedge label. I don't want it and I never had it. I mean I do look like one of "those girls" that get a fix here and there from whoever and whatever. But I'm not. I hated that image. I worked so hard to be smart because I never wanted to be misread as a floosie. So why am I trying to change that name, pretend like I don't care, when I definitely do. I don't want to disappoint people I love and care for but I'm torn. I feel like I don't know what I want. Be wild and crazy or be same old Jasmine. She was never that bad. People either hate or love me, but I'm fun and I never needed anything before to make things fun. Still, there is so much I've never done, whether it's worthwhile is still up in the air. [Stop and think for a moment] Thinking about it most of them aren't. Should I really do them? After all this...I still don't know. Not an inkling of insight. Maybe I will maybe I won't. I'll come back to this in due time I guess.

Another Mediocre Day

Back to school, awesome.
Math exam on Wednesday, not fair.
Mid-terms coming up, setting my down state.
Went to Lissy's, good for a little.
Got home, needed to get out.
Watched a movie with Amber, saw it already.
Going to watch a movie with Mommy, didn't happen.
Sitting on my bed writing a blog, another mediocre day.

I'm hoping for something different tomorrow.
Some excitement.
An unexpected hug.
Maybe even a sparkly kiss,
from a guy I shouldn't be kissing.
Although, sometimes it's nice to be bad.
Brings jittery, tingly feelings that everyone needs.
Oh well, maybe I just need to kiss somebody.
Honestly, I have a crush on so many.
Cody, God damn him.
Fight for as long as I want, I still catch myself staring
Austin, cozy, familiar territory.
Whenever I need some cuddle.
Pito, gives me butterflies and that cheezey smile.
Wish I could see something here.
anon. and anon., just something about them,
makes me feel different.
I'm uncomfortable with it, but I can't fight it.

And this is what's on my mind.

I guess I just need to "crush".
It feels good to crave a person...or persons.

My Baby Girl

Lissy.
I go to her house for days at a time. I wish I could stay there forever, regardless, if her father is a jackass. She takes all my idiocies and loves me more for them and all my funniest moments have been with her. I remember our notebook being one of the best outlets for my frustrations. She understands me like no other, knows any secret I've ever known, and she is the only person I turn to when I really need somebody to just sit and listen to me blabber on and on about things that are not really that important in the grand scheme of things. She doesn't deserve half the crap that happens, what am I saying? she doesn't deserve any of it. She is compassionate, understanding, funny, and willing to do anything for anyone. That's why I fear for her. I fear people taking advantage of her kindness and I can think of some people right now who have. If she allowed me to, I would have already bashed their faces in. So many do not deserve her as a friend, or even as an acquaintance, sometimes I fear this about myself as well. One night when we were having one of our heart-to-heart conversations in the dark at 3 in the morning, she told me something that I couldn't believe happened to her. The worst part was not only finding that this happened, but her answer to when I asked why she didn't tell me. Lissy said because I wasn't there for her at the time, I was being besties with someone else. I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe that she could be there for me around the clock and I could be such a waste of a friend. She deserves more than me, but luckily she settles with me because I don't know how I would deal with anything.

Thank You Lisetty for everything.

P.S. I Love You

This is all very new to me...

I've apparently lost all sanity. I now need to blog to keep it all together. She told me it will help when I get frustrated. So, here I'm just going to type my frustrations into a nice list:

1. Two dumb essays.
-English
-Theory of Knowledge
2. My weight.
-Just doesn't seem to change.
3. Pito.
-What exactly am I hoping from this. I don't know.
4. Austin.
-Everything every girl would want, even me...just not now. Doesn't that sound selfish.
5. IB.
-I just want to relax like everyone else in their senior year.
6. My mother.
-I love her to death, but why does she have to rely so much on me.
7. Time.
-I want to create a time machine.

Look, it's my lucky number 7 list...I guess.
There's probably more.
But, guess what? I do feel better.